Sunday, October 4, 2009

Thank you Corporate Capitalism

A Bear and a Rabbit are both taking a shit in the woods.
The Bear says to the Rabbit, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The Rabbit says, "No."
So, the Bear grabs the Rabbit and Wipes his ass.
To be the Bear or part of the bear is evil, to be the Rabbit is Naive.
Behold, you are sent out as sheep among wolves; therefore be wise as serpents, yet innocent as doves.

"People who treat other people as less than human must not be surprised when the bread they have cast on the waters comes floating back to them, poisoned."-James Baldwin

Monday, September 21, 2009

A Dishonest-honest Beggar

Well here's a story for you-Roughly four years ago, I was in a southern college town in North Carolina, on the main drag, waiting for someone. (By the way, if you don't know, main drags in small southern towns consist of liberal coffee shops that play jazz, a pizza shop, and a kitchy greeting card shop.)
A man approaches me; "Hey mister."
"Hello." I respond. I am not used to being called Mister. Usually people call me Squire, or Your Eminence, so naturally I am a bit put off.
" I need a little help." (Here it comes.) "Well its like this. My wife is mean. She's just a mean tramp. We were driving from Raleigh to High Point, and she started yelling at me for no reason! She often does this. Hey do you have another cigarette?....thanks!" (He lights, takes a puff and continues.) "So shes yelling at me and I get a bit angry. She kicks me out of the car and drives off. Well, about a minute later the car breaks down. Did I mention we need to get to Charlotte it pick up the kids? My mother is sick man. We have to get to Charlotte to get on an airplane to fly to Chicago to pay mother's hospital bill. All I need is five bucks. I work hard. But I just can't seem to make it."
"Sorry bud. I ain't got cash."
He is crestfallen. "Oh OK well, god bless you and you have a blessed day." I then go into the book store to look at the fancy glossy magazines, hoping he will go away. When I exit the store, the same man, looking very sheepish returns to me.
"Hey man. I'm sorry to bother you again. I just feel bad. All of that was bullshit." (REALLY??!!?!?) "I am a coke addict and I really did try to quit but I'm hurtin and I needed a fix. I just wanted to get wasted to make this pain go away temporarily. I'm sorry I lied. It was dishonest." He walks away.
I think to my self, how did he expect to use five bucks to pay for marriage counseling, a new transmission, gas to High Point for no apparent reason, then gas to Charlotte, not to mention money for the kids after school snacks, how many kids are there? How much of that five bucks is left for 4 packs of Ho-hos and Jungle juice? Then he needs to pay for airport long term parking, tickets for I assume his wife him and their 4 fat kids to fly to Chicago, a taxi to a hotel, a hotel, his mothers discharge fees and her out standing medical bills? Then a flight back for 7?????!?!?!? and gas back to Raleigh? For FIVE BUCKS? WHAT IS THIS 1894? BEER!! AHA! That makes so much more sense.
"Hey dude!" He stops and turns. "Here's three bucks. That's enough for at least one forty. Have a blast and thanks for your honesty."
A look of elation takes over his face as if Buddha himself invited this vagrant into his garden of riches.
"Oh thank you! Thank you Mister!" I give him a stern look. " I'm sorry, I mean," he bows low, "Your Eminence." He turns and skips off the the University Quick stop, filled with the hope that only a large glass container of Old Milwaukee can bestow. I have done my part.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

On Giving

Pet Peeve: The story of how you one time nobly tried to give a homeless person they the reason was because they wanted money for drugs or booze...and how outrageous that is...

Case and point: that is not outrageous. Nearly every time the subject of homelessness arises, someone in the discussion volunteers this bu!!s#it of a story. I get it, you did something unselfish and extended your graciousness out to the community…in vain. There was an M. Night Shyamalan twist and alternate motives! Honestly, could you not have come to that conclusion without embarrassingly being rejected by a person that bathes at Barnes & Nobles. Is that is? Are you embarrassed? Of course they want alcohol. If I bathed at a bookstore, sleep on the street, fought for my life, ate bugs, BUGS!...dealt with the guilt of dropping out of Harvard Law to live by my radical ideals resulting in the abandonment of the thinklessness of mainstream society and homelessness…I MIGHT WANT A HOT TODDY.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A Mole the Size of Coal

Hey Waywards, I just found a new mole on my belly. Its about an inch above my belly button and to the right. It looks so weird, I mean, its never been there before! All the sudden you have a new marked place on your body and your like, “yep, that’s part of my body, its never going away…unless I get it medically assisted!” It is just weird to me. Its their rude intrusion that really ticks me off. Now that I’m of age to make decisions and I am used to the moles I have, I should I be consulted, or something.

Knock Knock, door opens.

Moles: “Hi we’re your new moles, since you have preferences you get to pick we’re your two new moles will go. We usually suggest hidden under the arm, or behind the ear were nobody will see our grotesqueness.”

Me: “Yeah, good suggestions, new moles, I mean, I’d be silly to place you right on my belly were pool side summer outings would suffer.”

They hop onto his body, and his day goes about almost completely unchanged.

No, this won’t happen! They just show up! Like an unwanted cat. My instincts are to throw this mole into a bag and smash it up against a brick wall like I’d do in middle school.


Thursday, February 12, 2009

How to get Inspired with Wayward Ease

Inspiration sometimes is thought to be lost. Well, Waywards, its not. I just feels so. Inspiration is everywhere, and all it needs is your awareness of its presence.

Not convinced? Shut up! Listen, if your breathing right now, your inspired. If your reading these words, you either agree or disagree and your brains wheels are turning and you have some opinion. Yes. Yes you do, shut you shut up...Your resistance is real, your consideration is real, your awareness is real. Just look at anything in the room that your sitting in and think: where did I get that? why do I have that? what is its relationship to me? There's a story there, there's history and life and possibilities.

I'll do it with you. Ok...I have a scented candle on my desk. Its clean linen smell. Shut up. I bought this for my girlfriend as a welcome-to-moving-to-New-York-gift and on the day we moved into a new apartment. haha- I just now realized we moved into a place that has no washer/dryer in the building.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Penises Snapping Everywhere!!!

Ouch! Can You Really Break Your Penis?

Holy shit has anybody else seen this? This is horrifying!
How do you prevent this? eat more protein? Do cock
push ups? More tomatoes, or is that just good for
prostate cancer prevention? either way I'm really
scared for my junk. Hopefully after reading this A lot of
guys will attempt to be a little less reckless with their
little pal.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Doo' Reasons it's okay to be American.

Are you American? No? Well I am... sorry, but I just can't help it. And it's not very easy to be American, not when you live in a place where the Government is widely known to be evil, and your citizens are characterized by their pride, arrogance, and obesity... You know we're not all that bad. In fact, some of us are actually good! And despite the odd turn that our country has taken over the past 8 years, we still live in a wonderful place. So to my fellow Americans, I'd like to provide a few reasons why, the next time you go abroad, you won't have to pretend you're Canadian!

1.TV on the Radio
One of the best bands in America, these Brooklyn natives are never afraid to use non traditional methods to convey political and socially conscious messages. Listen to everything they do.

It's still the best drink in the world. I don't even drink soda, and I love it!

3.Fat people!
We have so many! So if you like 'em large, this is the place!

4.Mediocre Cartoon Ideas.
We've had so many bad cartoons! Entire generations have been scarred by our nation's awkward premises and sketchy artwork, but later on in life it's great to look back at them and think "what the fuck?" and there's nothing more American than that... except for fatties...

They've outlawed it everywhere! Yet we're still puffing away! There is nothing as resilient as the American Smoker! We're dedicated to our suicide and more than willing to leave the comfort of a warm bar to brave 10 degree weather just for 10 minutes of gratification. Ahhh.

I've already mentioned TV on the Radio. Well let's add, MGMT, Yeasayer, Woody Allen, Spike Lee (born in GA raised in Brooklyn), and Arthur Miller (born in Manhattan raised in Brooklyn).Everything good comes from Brooklyn! Including Doo'.

We finally like our President, and what makes it even better, is that everybody else does too! Now hopefully he'll be able to deliver on all of those commitments.

8.Hot dogs
It doesn't have to be invented here, to be an American institution. Hot dogs are... perfect. PERFECT! Eat as many as you can, as fast as you can before you get full ok?

9.It's proximity to Canada
Let's be real. Canada is pretty freakin' awesome. How many Americans over the past 8 years have said "Fuck this, I'm going to Canada!"? How many Americans have dodged the draft by saying "Fuck this! I'm going to Canada!"? It's awesome to know that we have such a great option next door and if we all decide to jump ship, it'll be into a place with an awesome film scene, a great music scene (arcade fire, K-os), and all the pancakes and maple syrup you could want!

10.Cultural Diversity.
Yep. It's pretty obvious. I mean how great is it to be from a place where you learn to appreciate the tastes of Cheeseburgers, Falafel, Sushi, Burritos, Lo Mein, Curry, Rigatoni, Matzoh, Jerk Chicken, Fried Plantains, Escargot, and Borscht as well as the cultures who created them. I guess the problems arise when these cultures clash, due to the fact that they don't have large borders separating them. However, when they work together, it always turns out for the best.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Doo' Music for Wayward revolutionaries

The Coral

The fact that there are so many people who aren't aware of this band bothers me, because they've been around for at least 6 or 7 years. This band (consisting of 5 UK natives) plays the same kind of simple melodic rock that instantly reminds me of 60's rock n' roll ie. The Zombies and The Beach Boys. Listen to "Jacqueline" below, friend them on myspace, and crack open a nice, refreshing wine cooler for the ride. Why? Because there's no point in having a revolution with out good vibrations, and for good vibrations, you're going to need good music... and maybe a wine cooler.

The Coral on Myspace.

Jacqueline - The Coral