Doo' Reasons it's okay to be American.

Are you American? No? Well I am... sorry, but I just can't help it. And it's not very easy to be American, not when you live in a place where the Government is widely known to be evil, and your citizens are characterized by their pride, arrogance, and obesity... You know we're not all that bad. In fact, some of us are actually good! And despite the odd turn that our country has taken over the past 8 years, we still live in a wonderful place. So to my fellow Americans, I'd like to provide a few reasons why, the next time you go abroad, you won't have to pretend you're Canadian!

1.TV on the Radio
One of the best bands in America, these Brooklyn natives are never afraid to use non traditional methods to convey political and socially conscious messages. Listen to everything they do.



2.Coke
It's still the best drink in the world. I don't even drink soda, and I love it!


3.Fat people!
We have so many! So if you like 'em large, this is the place!

4.Mediocre Cartoon Ideas.
We've had so many bad cartoons! Entire generations have been scarred by our nation's awkward premises and sketchy artwork, but later on in life it's great to look back at them and think "what the fuck?" and there's nothing more American than that... except for fatties...



5.Smokers
They've outlawed it everywhere! Yet we're still puffing away! There is nothing as resilient as the American Smoker! We're dedicated to our suicide and more than willing to leave the comfort of a warm bar to brave 10 degree weather just for 10 minutes of gratification. Ahhh.



6.Brooklyn
I've already mentioned TV on the Radio. Well let's add, MGMT, Yeasayer, Woody Allen, Spike Lee (born in GA raised in Brooklyn), and Arthur Miller (born in Manhattan raised in Brooklyn).Everything good comes from Brooklyn! Including Doo'.

7.Obama
We finally like our President, and what makes it even better, is that everybody else does too! Now hopefully he'll be able to deliver on all of those commitments.

8.Hot dogs
It doesn't have to be invented here, to be an American institution. Hot dogs are... perfect. PERFECT! Eat as many as you can, as fast as you can before you get full ok?

9.It's proximity to Canada
Let's be real. Canada is pretty freakin' awesome. How many Americans over the past 8 years have said "Fuck this, I'm going to Canada!"? How many Americans have dodged the draft by saying "Fuck this! I'm going to Canada!"? It's awesome to know that we have such a great option next door and if we all decide to jump ship, it'll be into a place with an awesome film scene, a great music scene (arcade fire, K-os), and all the pancakes and maple syrup you could want!



10.Cultural Diversity.
Yep. It's pretty obvious. I mean how great is it to be from a place where you learn to appreciate the tastes of Cheeseburgers, Falafel, Sushi, Burritos, Lo Mein, Curry, Rigatoni, Matzoh, Jerk Chicken, Fried Plantains, Escargot, and Borscht as well as the cultures who created them. I guess the problems arise when these cultures clash, due to the fact that they don't have large borders separating them. However, when they work together, it always turns out for the best.

Nobody Vote!

Please everyone just leave it to me! I'll cast the vote and we'll all be okay...
Just to let you know I'm voting for me... ME!
...if not me, then the Reverend Al Sharpton...

On the importance of Dessert... delicious...

I have noticed a self destructive pattern eating away at out generation. It is a flame of self hate engulfing the very spirit of our nation and it starts right after dinner. Let me take you through the scenario: You've just finished your meal, you're feeling close to satisfaction and hoping that if you keep sipping your water, you'll get there before leaving the restaurant. Suddenly, your extremely attractive college undergrad waitress asks you the question of the day, "Would you be interested in dessert?" you think about the dessert choices that you took note of before your initial order. An apple crumb cake, or maybe even a chocolate fudge brownie caught your eye, maybe you were feeling froggy and wanted to leap headfirst into a bananas foster cheese cake with a bailey's cream sauce... or something like that. Then you think about your figure and you politely decline the temptation of adding a sugary conclusion to your night... Who the hell do you think you are!? Wait! Allow me to answer that! A Traitor! And for those of you who don't follow my logic, I'll explain it to you just to be fair. So let's just say that on Wednesday you decide that you don't want that delicious chocolate croissant after your meal. Later that night, because of the void left by your lack of dessert, you find yourself binge eating to make up for you craving, trying to gain the satisfaction you gave up in favor of looking healthy in front of your friends. So you gorge yourself on cheez-its, chocolate milk, ice cream, and those little SnackWells fat free devils food cookie cakes (that look so damn good, but are never as delicious as you want them to be) before dragging your swelling body into your room and passing out upside down on your full size tempurpedic mattress. Because of your late Wednesday night gorge fest, Thursday morning is spent blowing feces out of your rectum at such an alarming rate that you can feel your cheeks lifting off of your toilet seat, which puts you off of the thought of eating breakfast, so you skip it. Thursday afternoon finds you in a bad position on the job, lacking focus due to lack of nourishment. Unfortunately for America, your job involves the design of very important infrastructure. So you, being malnourished, doze off before a huge deadline instead of, checking one last time for that one tiny flaw (that we all know exists), before you hand it over to your superiors who immediately begin construction as not to upset taxpayers... How you could you be so careless? And what's worse is that while your beloved tunnel or bridge is collapsing on all of our beloved citizens, You'll be thinking to yourself "Damn... I should've had that pie". So please, for the love of God, remember this phrase: Eat a pie, Save a life. Remember that, and may God have mercy on your sin-sick soul.


And this is for you!