On Fascism (which gets a bad rep)

There seems to be a mental plague squirming in the dark recesses of the Young American mind that suggests that fascism is a negative thing. If you are one of those young Americans, then all I can say is "Shame on you". Why? Because you've been dancing in the blinding light of freedom for so long that you've forgotten one of life's most important lessons. Discipline. You see, living in a capitalist democracy has not only made us soft and pudgy, it has made us lazy, stupid, and greedy. We boast so much about the power of free thought, but when you live in a nation filled with idiots, where does free thinking get us? What does it get us? I'm for Fascism because I'm fed up with people thinking for themselves when they lack the mental capacity to make decent decisions. I'm sick of lazy, rich, trust fund bastards having a say in the running direction of our economy, while the rest of us have to sit along for the ride (a downward spiral). I'm sick of the smarter, more well rounded elite being smothered under the fat rolls of the fortunate and the wicked, And I say we take this nation back! This time with an iron fist! And with that iron fist we will crush the spirits of the wicked, the Godless, the lazy, and the mentally handicapped! We will march from sun up to sun down singing the praises of our powerful, all knowing, and infinitely charismatic Chancellor...me.

Better to have the naturally gifted run this country, than the other way around! Don't want to research alternative fuel? Well you don't have a choice! Oh, you're not into stem cell research? We have a holding cell for people like you! Don't want to march in a giant parade holding a picket sign with a large picture of my face on it smiling admirably at the progressive nature of our new Fascist nation? I've got two sets of two words for you; "Suck it!" or "Firing Squad!", and I'll allow you to choose which two you prefer... Am I not merciful?

The Asshole Effect

The Asshole Effect

The youth in this country have no drive, no determination and there is a prevalent lack of discipline. Those generations which we look up to, the cool ones were perhaps lazily dressed, pot-smoking over drinkers who liked to party and didn't bathe BUT!, they were disciples of something great. Discipline. Discipline of the mind, what they wanted to achieve. We are a hopeless generation. A whole heard of youth in credit card debt who bleat and moan continuously about our calling in life, our independence. Wah. Fucking, Wah. Wah-wah. Wah wah wah.
But there is a solution. I have discovered it. A two fold non partisan easy quick fix for all of us lazy whiners. I say two-fold because I have found one solution and my esteemed colleague has found the other.
1. Fascism. WHAT WE NEED MY FRIENDS IS FASCISM! Good old fashioned order. No music except that which is deemed appropriate by out fearless leaders whomever they may be. Gray pressed five button uniforms for all. Bald heads for men. Short hair for the ladies. Marching. Lots of Marching. If we would march more and bitch less I’m certain that in 7-10 Business days we would all be more fulfilled. (Not necessarily more happy in the western sense) but more fulfilled and isn't that what we all want dear reader? Fulfillment. Think on it, how fantastically fulfilling would it be to get up in the morning, put on your grays, check your head for hair growth, and go do some marching!?!?!? If you watch people who march as I do frequently when I am not crying about my life, they just look so damn fulfilled.
2. Reading Glasses. At your local Duane Reade you can purchase a simple pair of reading glasses. Nothing too fancy of course as we in the fascist department wish for a significant lack of ornamentation among our comrades. Something simple. Light and Sweet. And Black. Square. And Boring. Reading glasses will provide us with the asshole effect, the feeling that we are better than others and we are! Or Could feel that way anyway! Imagine a nation of assholes wearing cheap reading glasses. And whenever the Canadians or the Mexicans or any other nation bad mouths us for, say the Iraqi sanctions administered by the Clinton administration responsible for the deaths of over 500,000 innocent Iraqi children, we can cough, and daintily with thumb and forefinger pull our glasses down on our noses, peer suggestively over them and issue a significant cough or snort implying total and unabashed condescension. We in the Fascist dept. call it scoffing.

Yes my friends. There you have it. A healthy fool proof way to save our nation and perhaps, feel a little bit better about ourselves.