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Monday, October 13, 2008

To Catch a Tourist

I've received many complaints in the last few weeks about a very real and deadly menace roaming our streets, Ladies and Gentlemen I want you to know that your plea hasn't fallen on deaf ears. Your wish to get rid of this disgusting plague will be addressed right... now... Tourists are a foul species that are (as you know) best eliminated immediately, regardless of nationality. So to get rid of them, one need only to apply a treatment similar to that of an ancient garden gnome remedy. When you see a tourist cleverly sneaking into your city, it would be in your best interest to either A. Burn them alive immediately, or B. Douse them in a mixture appropriately called "Serpent's Discharge" which consists of 3 cups of papa john's garlic sauce, 3 bottles of Aristocrat Vodka (or anything cheaper), and the blood of either an innocent human or a Boston terrier with an extremely shifty disposition (seeing as how they are equal in both value and purity). I'm warning you now that whore's blood will not work. Many locals have tried using the blood of a wayward whore thinking that it makes no difference only to find that the tourist becomes not only faster and stronger, but also more curious and invasive than ever imagined. Please for the love of God, don't be a dick. Only baby's blood will suffice, they have it in bulk at your local nursery.
Now I'm sure burning alive is quite easy to comprehend, but just in case I've lost you somewhere, here is what you need to do. Get fire... you know, fire. Then in a fit of unadulterated and unparalleled rage put the fire on the tourist, the rest will take care of itself I assure you. If the tourists skin seems somewhat flame retardant, gasoline may be applied. As for the "Serpent's Discharge", the process is a bit more complicated. First you must put the mixture in a 5 gallon bucket and mix thoroughly. After that you must make sure that the time is approximately dusk or DU:SK on your watches. When both of these criteria are filled, then you must quickly toss the mixture upon the vile vermin before it can spot you and scurry up a tree or back into it's hole... or sedan...or Chrysler town and country. If done right the tourist should look at you with a flash of anger before appearing perplexed and then resigning to defeat, getting in their car, and going back to the hell hole that they crawled out of. I hope these remedies will be followed closely and accurately, as I would hate to have to hear of the serious turmoil of a town who cannot rid itself of this menacing... menace... Keep it real ya'll.

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