On the importance of Dessert... delicious...

I have noticed a self destructive pattern eating away at out generation. It is a flame of self hate engulfing the very spirit of our nation and it starts right after dinner. Let me take you through the scenario: You've just finished your meal, you're feeling close to satisfaction and hoping that if you keep sipping your water, you'll get there before leaving the restaurant. Suddenly, your extremely attractive college undergrad waitress asks you the question of the day, "Would you be interested in dessert?" you think about the dessert choices that you took note of before your initial order. An apple crumb cake, or maybe even a chocolate fudge brownie caught your eye, maybe you were feeling froggy and wanted to leap headfirst into a bananas foster cheese cake with a bailey's cream sauce... or something like that. Then you think about your figure and you politely decline the temptation of adding a sugary conclusion to your night... Who the hell do you think you are!? Wait! Allow me to answer that! A Traitor! And for those of you who don't follow my logic, I'll explain it to you just to be fair. So let's just say that on Wednesday you decide that you don't want that delicious chocolate croissant after your meal. Later that night, because of the void left by your lack of dessert, you find yourself binge eating to make up for you craving, trying to gain the satisfaction you gave up in favor of looking healthy in front of your friends. So you gorge yourself on cheez-its, chocolate milk, ice cream, and those little SnackWells fat free devils food cookie cakes (that look so damn good, but are never as delicious as you want them to be) before dragging your swelling body into your room and passing out upside down on your full size tempurpedic mattress. Because of your late Wednesday night gorge fest, Thursday morning is spent blowing feces out of your rectum at such an alarming rate that you can feel your cheeks lifting off of your toilet seat, which puts you off of the thought of eating breakfast, so you skip it. Thursday afternoon finds you in a bad position on the job, lacking focus due to lack of nourishment. Unfortunately for America, your job involves the design of very important infrastructure. So you, being malnourished, doze off before a huge deadline instead of, checking one last time for that one tiny flaw (that we all know exists), before you hand it over to your superiors who immediately begin construction as not to upset taxpayers... How you could you be so careless? And what's worse is that while your beloved tunnel or bridge is collapsing on all of our beloved citizens, You'll be thinking to yourself "Damn... I should've had that pie". So please, for the love of God, remember this phrase: Eat a pie, Save a life. Remember that, and may God have mercy on your sin-sick soul.


And this is for you!